That day, I woke up to a dream that it was snowing. Strangely, I do not hear the bell jingle or Santa Claus laughing. It was white all around the neighbourhood and it is very beautiful. For some reason, it has been playing in my mind this christmas. 

The snow, in roundish shape, furry appearance, is falling everywhere from the sky. The floor was filled with 2cm thick of snow. Well, I have never seen snow in my life, so I think it is pretty much from a book or tv programs. 

I was thrill, just as I opened the front door, I found out that I am dressed too lightly, and that is when I was woken up, abruptly. It was a white christmas, for that very short moment and the best christmas I ever had.

Maybe next time, I should really just go to somewhere else to have fun with snow in christmas with my loved one, including of my sex partners. Will you be mine?

Merry Christmas and hoped you are enjoying your holiday!

My mom is as stubborn as me and that’s one thing she does not acknowledge. Alas, I never tell her much thing about me, so she does not know how her son behave outside. She went too far, when she said she is going to see how success I am going to be. Well, that hurts.

The huge dumb old car broke down when I was on my way to the school. Luckily, my friend found a solution, and a disaster was avoided. Life never did go well on me on the final day of exam. I was lonely, I was dog tired and well… I am pathetic and in need of sympathy, as simple as that. But I am a man, and I am not going to get it, because sexist still exist within this society.

Well, the car was the source of the argument. So, don’t trust korean.

I have been thinking, my life ain’t worth living, but I am of fear of death. Fear of death is worse than death itself, perhaps, this is what my life is going to be. Fearful that I am not going to accomplish anything. Gonna live with parents with the rest of my life, then gonna hate them, love them, hate them, love them until I had had enough and be admitted into mental hospital,
Sure, do what I want, they said. Do what the society want, they said. Find balance, they said. My ass. I am in misery now.

Old Persian might say:”I wish I had a good pair of shoes, but then I saw a man without feet.” We should cherish what we have, but we live in a big fat lie. It just sucks. I am down.

I am against profanity, but… Fuck you.

Sure enough, it runs on Meego, or Harmattan, whichever is it, a doomed OS, all thanks to the new incompetent non-Finnish CEO. What he did, was killing off Nokia’s creativity. Sure, the fruits brought along many innovation, but with no invention, where does the innovation comes? Those fans, that actually have been arguing that Nokia, in every way is more inferior than their smartphones. I guess they really have forgotten, who actually popularised the text messages and surfing the internet through wlan. For those who are blinded, you have no rights to criticise those who could see.

I owe my thanks to a dear friend of mine, who actually suggested N9 before I attempted to invest in other smartphones. This phone suits all need, it is beautiful, it looks tough, it is special and it bears the mark, NOKIA. This simple 5 alphabets, really captivates my heart. With this, you can’t go wrong, you have already getting something that you are expecting, quality.

It is often the small little things that add up to actually revolutionise an industry. When European started farming more effective, industry era begins; when Motorola created portable phones, people start chatting on the go; when Kodak has its first digital camera, people start cam-whoring, knowing they can edit and delete freely. Well, unfortunately, the first often ends up as a downfall. However, I believe, when a company start sticking by its own side and never give up, it will be in the Forbe’s list once more.

You can read the specification sheets on the net about N9, the raging comments between fruits supporters in video sharing site. Even, you can hear from your friend that you are getting an obsolete technology. Oh well, all you need to do is swipe down or any other direction, snap some pictures, and don’t worry, it will not fail you. Sometimes, it will perform above your expectations.

That’s what technology are meant to be, isn’t it? Surprising us all the time.

I read about being happy and positive. And the guides are inclusive of thinking only the goods and positive. Well, it is everybody own choice to have such personality. Some tries to justify their own negative behaviour/thinking as being realistic, others offered no excuses as they deemed unnecessary. I believe that being sad and down is necessary for us to be happy. It looks like simple logic, you have to lose something to appreciate, or you have to be injured before feeling blessed.

Sure enough, no matter how bad something is, optimist has never failed to see the brighter side and vice versa. Common sense, isn’t it? How about optimist being sad and pessimist being happy? Perhaps at certain point of life, everyone felt despair and/or hope (If you have both at the same time, you might have bipolar disorder).Can anyone really stays on extreme end of a scale, without shifting its position and letting the whole system in balance? I meant for individual only. Surely, in the world, the law of check-and-balance keep it balance. For a person, however, might be different story.

I got it, I am feeling down because I am being nobody. I have not achieved anything great, I did nothing to benefits the world, I do not stand out in anyplace. I demanded attention and foul was responded to me. Well, I deserved it. Come to think of it, I am just another no good, wannabe-someone teenager. Does not it make you frustrated that you cannot get what you want?

I remembered a guide to becoming a good writer and among it is:” Who needs reciprocal question, anyway?” Guess my creativity is never meant to be developed.

To reach the light at the end of the looped tunnel.

Now, the clock on the wall ticks, terror in me grows;

where is the light that I have sought after?

As the fan turns, light flickers, air-conditioner humming, water dropping,

my imagination did not cease but turns on the darker side.

Yes, the flurescent chases the dark away, but what’s lurking behind the cupboard?

A monster? A stalker? Or just a cochroach?

A night like this certainly is not common, it takes caffeine and long afternoon nap, with lots of guilts;

Former two was uncommon, perhaps I should seek for forgiveness afterall?

I need something to quench my fear, maybe the daylight would helps.

It is just another 3 hours, before the glimpse of light appear.

For another 3 hours, am I to wake? Am I to wait? Am I to fall? Am I to sleep?

Or, I am to fantasise?

Night such this has been staple, though. As a man, or rather a boy, I should have noticed, a devil’s award is never of angelic intention. To be enticed by something such petty, without doubts I am a human.

May you have a good night, and let’s promise each other that when light bestowed on us, I would be here.

P.S.
In a completely related news, I have finished infamous 2!!! Though the hero ending is heart breaking and infamous ending is heart aching. Still a good game, nonetheless.

I could feel the uncertainty growing,

Fear, nervousness, anger, excitement; Which is which?

It has been long since I encountered night like this,

Insomniac, restless, xenophobic.

What has become of me? Trial of my life is coming nigh,

and yet, it will just be too late. Perhaps, I am with the minority that is unable to succeed?

Or, I am just too good?

Perhaps, it is the latter’s self-deceiving that has been ruining me. I am human, afterall.

It does not matter, whether it is the ten commandment or the 7 sins;

Islam, Christianity or Buddhism;

They taught same things, over and over again.

To practise what we preach, to refrain from doing wrong, to stop deviating and not to consumed by sin.

Nah, life is too good to be true. Some other time, perhaps…

3rd day after I missed that opportunity, perhaps my psyche and mood improve a little but I still feel bad. And recently I have hooked up with a song, titled Shattered Dreams by Johnny Hates Jazz. Is it a coincidence? Or a sign?

And after so long, I finally learned the lesson that there is no where something could be done properly without proper preparation. I have been blinded for so long, that I thought my works are often better when done under stress and without any prior preparation.

I think it has been always my procrastination that lead me to this. Due to this behaviour, I have to do things in a rush to avoid the consequences, and thus, everything was done in half-hearted and those minute yet important details were missed. This is real bad.

It is an amazement, that anything trivial matters big in this business. You could see a couple arguing because the boy forget to call her, then making out in the next 5 minutes. The girl could stormed off the room when the boy came in, then the next thing you noticed, is them talking to each other, like nothing happened.

And that’s for the steady couple.

How about those that have not bloom? It is agonising. You do not know what him/her is thinking, and the fear of making wrong move, such as confessing, flirting openly, giving too-obvious hints and even fantasising about the relationship might be a fatal move. Although it can be rewarding.